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notes from recent (and not so recent) weeks - there is a light
and it never goes out
notes from recent (and not so recent) weeks
i write notes everywhere- in notebooks, on little scraps of paper, in word documents, in desktop stickies (i think stickies is one of the best things about having a mac)- i mean to post about them in a timely manner, but i rarely do- so, they build up- and then i make big random posts like this (and the next couple to come- i am trying to clean off my desktop!)- which if you read my lj regularly you should be used to by now

after my interview at the cranberry station (i should be hearing from them soon! i still really want the job! especially since i’ve barely applied to anything else since!), i was so excited, i wanted to talk to someone- tom is usually the first person i call in situations like this, but he didn’t answer his phone- the next “person” i wanted to call was huck- yep, i wanted to call my dog and tell him about my good interview- that’s pretty bad- but he's my little life partner (in a totally nonsexual way of course)

i had my clothing “swap”- i did actually end up with a cute top and a cute bathing suit, but i gave away bags and bags of stuff to many people which was my goal- it felt really good to get rid of stuff- i especially enjoyed giving all the stuffed animals and the like to aurora and forest, the neighborhood kids that are always wandering around our yard- when it was all over, i took what was left (an even larger load than what i gave away) to savers- i think i love getting rid of old stuff almost as much as i love acquiring new stuff- thanks to everyone who came and took my stuff!

may 17th was my dad’s birthday so, like every year, we provided the flowers for the chancel at the newton UU church that weekend- the service was nice- the sermon was about julian of norwich who had visions and had herself walled into a church and was all about love- she saw god as loving and compassionate which was a big deal in her day (when everyone just saw god as scary)- for me this touched home b/c  of the idea that love endures and is forever- and i do feel that way about my dad's love- and julian's words, "all will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well" are good words to live by i think- after church, we went to visit dad’s spot in the cemetery and andre played by the waters edge and whacked dandelions with a stick- and then we went to crystal lake and andre tried out his new fishing pole- he didn't catch any fish, but after about five minutes he was casting like a pro (and the next weekend he did catch a fish and it's like all he talks about now)- it was a lovely day

easter weekend in nyc
being in nyc is bad right now b/c of my state of mind (thinking about when i was living here a few years ago and my ideas about where i would be now)- and it's spring and everyone is dressed nice and has money and i feel like a loser bum and so unsuccessful- and i am the one single person hanging out with four happy couples- but that's not too bad b/c it's family (but all the women comparing rings…)- walking down broadway- this used to be my turf, but i feel off my game here for the first time- it’s so crowded and noisy and i feel overwhelmed by it, not part of it (is it more crowded than it used to be? or is it just me? my general lack of confidence, my being more accustomed to a smaller city now)- trying to get a cup of coffee was such an ordeal b/c everywhere i went there was a line a mile long- i couldn’t do this anymore- and the shopping! (and the not having money!) too much stimulation… and we went to the MET, but it was annoying being with a group, some people just wanting to sit in the café when there was art to see (we saw the jasper johns exhibit- i’m not really that impressed by jasper johns- and there was a cool fashion exhibit that i took my time to absorb)- and then for some reason we ran to the MoMA- our friends have a membership, so we got in free, but going to a museum an hour before it closes is too rushed, especially the MoMA where there was so much good stuff to see (a great exhibit on color, a fascinating science and design exhibit that i could’ve taken the whole day to absorb)- i’m complaining a lot, but it wasn’t all bad- new york is still great despite it’s drawbacks and there was family and food and easter baskets (no one wanted to do eggs though, so i did them by myself when we got home)

my mom recently told me that when i was a kid, i used to clean off and save the fancy plates on which cake was served at the birthday parties i went to- this makes so much sense in terms of my desire to acquire pretty things- it's always been with me- also, i was recently rereading some old journals and there are several in which i describe trips to the mall and the things i got- with as much passion as i described crushes i had on boys- i have always liked things- things are precious to me

last weekend danielle and i went to see cyndi lauper and the b-52's and it was so much fun- the b-52's were great, but danielle is right, b-hive is just as good (we had seen them the night before at the blackstone)- i think the thing is, when you see b-hive, it's more intimate- it was hard to really connect with the b-52's at the pavilion- plus, they played a bunch of new songs and i don't think i'm really into there new stuff that much- but they were great- BUT, i am serious when i say seeing cyndi was a spiritual experience- it was totally amazing to be in her presence and i was like a little girl, jumping up and down- she looked and sounded great and is such a performer (i guess she's notoriously difficult to work with which was apparent at the show, but i can't fault her for that b/c she is a goddess to me)- regina spektor also preformed and she's great, but it was not a good environment for her music- and carson kressley was the mc and he told a lot of bad gay joes which were sometimes funny- and rosie o'donnell did a little monologue which was kinda depressing and a little touching and sometimes funny- she's ok, i guess- she likes to craft, so that's cool- and i got to hang out with my hairdresser who i think is wicked cool- we had pancakes together

the weekend before last i rode on a pontoon boat down the providence canal during waterfire, something i think everyone should do at least once- and i went to the avery and mirabar for the first time and both are great in their own way- i've been hanging out with danielle alot which has been a pleasure (i'm so glad you like hanging out with me, danielle!)- also that weekend i saw speedracer in 3D with jake- that is the weirdest movie ever, so weird i can't even say if it was good or not

there has been kickball practice and purchasing things for kickball outfits and meeting crazy kickball team members and getting a kickball pint glass- i'm really excited about kickball

huck graduated from training class a couple weeks ago- i think he ended up being one of the best pups in the class- i'm so glad i did the class, i think it helped a lot, but now i need to keep it up b/c he's still a little trouble-maker sometimes- by the way, in case you haven't seen them (i like to show them off), huck has many tricks- in addition to sit and down and wait and other basics, he can give me a high five (my favorite), roll over, crawl, and go over and under a bar on command- also, the sleeping in my bed thing is going better than i thought- he will still sleep in his crate without crying if i want him too and he doesn't get out of bed until i wake up- and i saw that crazy dog park lady that yelled at me again- and huck went crazy with her dog again- she handled it much better this time, she must be more comfortable with her dog now, but my heart was beating like crazy and i felt sick to my stomach the whole time (i would've liked to have been calm, cool, and collected)- i have found a new dog park in newton (there are six that i go to regularly now, three in providence, three in newton) that is my most favorite dog park- i love all the people and all the dogs- things are so relaxed there, no one gets upset with other people's dogs- and the people welcomed me right away

i watched season two of the tudors and it's so good

two of my photos from my trip to portland (the smallest park photo and the ramona sculpture photo) were chosen through flickr for guide books- that's cool

i talked to my bff dan the other night- we have been so out of touch and this has been really bothering me lately- it was good to reconnect and catch up- he is doing really well and i am so happy for him (and jealous that he and kristina get to live together- if i don't get this cranberry job and if i didn't have huck, i think i would just move to san francisco and stay with them until i found a job there)- dan told me i am textbook depressed and that i won't get a job until i fix that- there's some sense to that, but it freaks me out- me going to a therapist is not going to happen any time soon- he also gave me all this tips about trying to break into different fields of work, people i should talk to, things i could do- he says there are so many things he could see me doing, i just have to find creative ways to show other people that- all this freaks me out to- it's so overwhelming to think of completely switching gears when i don't even know what i want- it seems like it should be easy, why do I find it so hard?

a long time ago i saw a shopping addict on intervention- she had $113,000 debt and she stole her mother's identity and was facing 15 years in prison- and she was still shopping- will i ever get that bad? i don't think so, but i'm not really getting any better (this woman was also addicted to plastic surgery which i thankfully am not)

i got a bikini wax today- the reason i'm reporting this is to say how funny the woman who waxes me is- we were talking about internet dating (i think i've said before how weird it is to be chatting with someone while lying spread-eagle in a chair getting your pubic hair ripped out and how i preferred the days of going to nyc nail salons where the people waxing me didn't speak english- and also a nail salon wax only costs a fraction of what i pay this lady) and she said "oh, you have to be careful with that..." and went on to tell me about this friend of hers that got sucked into this african scam "ring" through eharmony- like she bought some guy in africa a wii and never got her money back- weird (but who would buy some guy they met on eharmony a wii anyway?)- and then she kept saying how i'm getting a bikini wax so it's a fresh start and things are going to turn around for me (if it were that easy, i would've gotten waxed months ago, but it's a nice thought) and she told me i check out oprah's "secrets"

and also- my ass bone still hurts
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